Random Thoughts
Article By Kimberly Avery
Random Thoughts
Today, I enjoyed the beach (for the most part). What I did not enjoy was seeing way too much of certain people. It’s as if all decorum goes out the window when people hit that sand. If you're a sixty-year-old man, who appears to be pregnant, tanned like a rotisserie chicken rolled in hairballs, for the love of God, a tiny, hot pink Speedo is not your friend.
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In renting a car from enterprise today, I felt as if I was trapped in an episode of Seinfeld.
"I had a reservation."
“I'm sorry, there are no cars here at this time."
"So, you know how to take the reservation. You just don't know how to HOLD the reservation, and the HOLDING is really the most important part."
His smile and the word “touché” confirmed he had seen the episode. One hour later, I left with a luxury upgrade and a free day of rental.
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Homeschooling is always exciting around here and often humorous. Our history lessons have focused on the Cold War for several weeks. So, I could not help laughing after passing Ashley's door this morning. She was holding our pug Reagan up to her mirror above her head, so it appeared that Reagan was giving a speech. Ashley was moving Reagan's paw commandingly up and down and using her best presidential voice. She stated with conviction, "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall."
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After stopping for a family lunch, I asked our seventeen-year-old if he would like to drive. Tossing the keys back to me, he said, "Not now. Maybe after my food digests."
"You can't drive after you eat?" I asked.
"I'm a guy. You know we don't multitask!"
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While washing dishes tonight, I caught part of our ten-year-old’s serious conversation with our dog. She was asking Reagan, "Where is your ball?" "Let's go see." "Where were you when you last had it?" Then, looking around and sighing, she added, "I guess you really don't have much of a life, so this shouldn't take too long."
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Questions from Disney World: What about theme parks makes seemingly normal people lose their minds when getting dressed in the mornings? Should the wait in line next to Katy-Perry-meets-Richard-Simons be scarier than the ride? Are the rides more enjoyable if the rider is wearing less? Is it possible that exposing your bosoms and butt cheeks while riding a roller coaster adds to the thrill? What possible train of thought did the woman in front of me waiting for Dueling Dragons follow this morning while getting dressed? It appears she thought, I am going to be hurled through the air at ninety miles an hour and turned upside down six times. Clearly, this occasion calls for a loin cloth and a tube top.
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Ashley dipped her chip into the hummus I had scooped onto the side of her plate, included in what I felt was a very healthy lunch.
“What is this?” She asked.
"Hummus," I said. "It's made of chickpeas."
Panicked, she spits it out in her napkin and begins dry heaving into her plate. "I just ate chicken pee?" I don’t think she is quite ready for Cotillion yet.
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Something is amiss when my sixteen-year-old honor student and my nineteen-year-old comp E major at Georgia Tech cannot help my eleven-year-old with his K12 math and science homework. After hours of trying to help Thomas, we were left with only one logical conclusion: We suspect that, in light of our country's current financial situation, our government, hoping to save money, has secretly integrated its NASA program into our nation's sixth-grade curriculum. As a result, Thomas's work now appears to be rocket science.
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After coming in from playing outside, my nine-year-old plopped down in a chair. "What's wrong?" I asked. He said he was very sad that his older brothers no longer play cool stuff like Army or Spy outside with him.
"They were great at it when they were younger," he sighed.
"Well, Thomas, someday you will also grow too old for that."
"At what age?" He scoffed.
I paused and imagined my fifteen and eighteen-year-olds today running around our neighborhood with fake guns, walkie-talkies, and night vision goggles. "I don't know at what age," I told him, "but if you're over six feet tall and have facial hair, I think there is a law against it."
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I took our sixteen-year-old to practice his driving. Simple enough. We picked an abandoned parking lot. He drove around for a while. He pulled out onto a side street. He drove about 200 feet. He got pulled over. I couldn’t believe it. I’m sure that must be some kind of world record. The friendly officer simply wanted to know if Tyler was a licensed driver. He felt he looked awfully young to be driving.
When we arrived home, John asked, "How did it go?"
“Well, let's see...” I drove on the road for about one minute, reached a top speed of twenty miles an hour, got pulled over, switched seats with mom, and she drove us home. Instead, Ty simply said. "It did not go well." by Kimberly Avery
Edited by Rebekah Crozier